If she narrows her eyes and tries to imagine that it’s someone else sitting there, she can almost get her mind to believe it. But of course it isn’t anyone else. It’s Maura. She might look a little different, hair dyed another color and a bit disheveled, but it’s Maura without a doubt. Wrapped up in a blanket. Bleeding. Hurt….
Her hair was dyed because Cavanaugh said it would help disguise her better. Fool everyone a little bit easier. Jane had wanted to speak up, say that Maura shouldn’t even be doing this to begin with, that they could find another female who fit the bill, but she held her tongue. Cavanaugh was lead on this and she wasn’t about to go against him.
Jane had been on undercover operations before. She would keep as close to Maura as possible. At least that way she could try and keep her safe as well. But it hadn’t gone down like that.
They had barely made it out of the building before the explosion happened. They thought they had lucked out, that the bad feelings that were plaguing them both since last night were just an over abundance of nerves. This was the last chance they’d ever have of catching the suspect so they had to go through with it, nerves or not. And they thought they had succeeded. Until the very last moment. But by then it was too late.
Maura ended up getting the worst of it. Jane could overheard the EMTs talk about it. “…Concussion … Broken wrist…” and a few other words were all Jane was able to make out, what with the pounding of her heartbeat in her ears.
She can’t believe what she allowed to happen. What she was there specifically to prevent, but could not. If Jane had reacted sooner, Maura wouldn’t have a scratch on her. She could have covered Maura with her body. Jane should’ve been the one hurt, not Maura. Jane hadn’t protected her. She had let Maura down right when she needed her the most.
Jane can tell that none of Maura’s injuries are life threatening, but getting her mind to believe it is another thing.
How could Maura ever forgive her for what she let happen? Her only job was to keep Maura safe and she couldn’t even do that.
Of course, Maura doesn’t see it that way. She knows it was an unfortunate incident that would have happened no matter who was with her. But she also knows that Jane has a tendency to personalize things, this event being no exception. Maura can already see in Jane’s eyes that she is blaming herself for this. For all of this. But Maura knows Jane is to blame for none of it.
After the dust settles, Maura will be sure to convince Jane that it was not her fault. That Maura knew what she was getting into. And that is something that Maura will have to come to terms with herself.